A Decluttered Life, Part 1: The Re-Examined Life
My journey toward a decluttered life has lasted several years. It’s been a slow, winding road, sometimes finding myself back in places I thought I’d left for good.
Now, through perseverance and God’s grace, I’m not wandering the same circular trail anymore. But it took a lot of effort to recognize the path I was stuck on and move to another one.
The biggest struggle for me was the attachment I developed to items.
I have carried this habit from my childhood. As a little girl, my very favorite things were my books and small figurines. I was intimately acquainted with every piece and would play with or hold them almost daily, displaying my favorites in a shadow box on my wall.
I remembered where each item was, and the story behind it, even into adulthood when they spent most of their lives packed away.
As an adult I would occasionally get the books and figurines out, loving hold each one, and feel a connection. It was the connection I had created as a child, when I used all of my energy to transport myself into other worlds.
I felt that these pieces were my link to that past magic, that keeping them was how I honored and protected my younger self; to lose them felt like annihilation. Yet eventually, that is what I faced.
Layers of Loss
I moved to the Seattle area in the wake of a brutal trauma. I did not have the internal or external resources to process what had happened to me, or handle the flashbacks of earlier trauma that were being triggered. I was in present pain but also tormented by transportation to the past.
I believed in God but had been very poorly discipled in an atmosphere of spiritual ignorance and abuse (not an excuse for my own lack, just a hard truth). I did not understand the power of God’s mercy and comfort in suffering. Nor could I understand that He was the source and answer I was looking for (Ps 118:5 / 2 Cor 1:3-4). I thought it had to come from myself or others.
Looking for a reprieve, I visited my sister and her husband in Seattle. I felt the relief and promise of an untainted place and a different mindset, and decided for various reasons that I would move to Seattle and continue graduate school there.
The move meant that I was going from a house with plenty of storage to a small apartment. I had moved many times before, but had always held onto my favorite childhood items. This time, I realized that I needed to let most of those things go. I had to declutter in a way I never could have imagined. I carefully organized each figurine into its original set and lovingly prepared them for donation. I held every book tenderly before placing it into the donation box. Then I sent them away.
The losses haunted me for a long time, and I was confused by how much regret I felt. There was a conflict between my adult self, who knew they were simply children’s toys, and the child part of me who believed those toys were her lifeline.
For a year or so I had very little, just the clothes and books that I needed. Then, slowly, I began to collect again. This time, it was objects or books related to my interests. I felt the familiar pull of holding a book or small figure in my hands and feeling satisfied. There were wounds in me I was trying to heal on my own, and those magical items seemed like the cure.
Being Honest with Myself
I could see that my patterns weren’t helping, and often left me feeling empty, but recognition alone was not enough to help me break the spell. I wanted those tiny figures and some part of me felt that I needed them; not a part I could reason with but a part stuck in the past, who found comfort in the clutter of her favorite things. It didn’t matter how much I rationally understood that an object could not save me.
Slowly I began examining myself more closely, noticing the things that were missing and being brutally honest with myself about the ways I was stuck. I was gaining a deeper understanding of the spiritual healing I needed, and felt compassion for the part of me that was trying to soothe herself.
I brought things into my world to heal it, as I had done as a child. It had barely worked for me in the past and it was certainly not working for me in the present. The items I bought to make myself happy felt more like chains that held me underwater than buoys to keep me afloat.
The clutter in my life really reflected what was happening inside of me. Many of the clothes, books, and objects I owned were in my life because they held me captive. They tied me to the past with guilt and nostalgia, and to the future with “what ifs” and the fear of missing something that was gone.
Every item seemed to have meaning, as if it held an energy that connected me to myself and others. I worried about what would happen if those things were really gone. I remembered how much it hurt to let the objects of my childhood go, and feared hurting myself again.
Transformation
Around that time I was going through a personal/professional stressor that was truly traumatic. I am grateful for that excruciating time because it led me to seek God in a new way. I wanted to rely on His promises and realized that I did not really know what they were or if I was entitled to rest in them.
I began to listen to a Bible teacher named Steve Gregg. The things I heard, and looked up to confirm in the Bible, were a stake right through my heart. Some truths were difficult to hear, but I knew they were correct. It was as if my spirit was rejoicing, bearing witness to the truth of God. Brokenhearted but also filled with joy, I read the Bible more intensely, seeing the scriptures — and myself — in a brand new way. The scales were lifting.
When it came to the objects around me, I had competing views in my awareness. I read a book with the message that the objects in my life had already fulfilled their role by making me happy at the moment of purchase. I could thank them for their service and let them go, creating a life that honored the present moment instead of getting stuck in the past. If an item did not bring joy, I was to question why I had it and what its real purpose was.
This made a kind of sense, but no longer felt like it could be the whole picture. It still emphasized that the items were bringing me joy and that I owed gratitude to them. It also emphasized the present moment as the most important and put the impetus on me to be the fixer and saver in the situation.
With what I was learning about the love and provision of God, I connected to the reality that I am on this earth for a blink of time. I have an eternal home with God and a promise for my future more beautiful than anything I could make for myself. Laying down everything I had to follow Jesus was going to save me, not the things I owned.
God Himself wanted to love and provide for me, but could not as long as I determined to do it myself. All that I owned, the past and the present, were shadows that did not define me. My legacy, my heritage, my identity was not tied up in things. I desired for the first time to acquire that which would not perish.
Starting Over
I had to start over. I had to re-examine everything I owned and offer to God the parts of me that held emotional ties to those items. I had to sacrifice. Before, I believed that until I heard what those sentimental parts of me were afraid of, and what each item meant to them, I could not guarantee that letting the items go would be a victory rather than a trauma.
Now I understood that my feelings were not a reliable source of information. It was the knowledge of God that I needed, to heal my heart and show me the path forward. I now counted all things as rubbish compared with following Jesus and I was determined to sacrifice any part of myself to His will (Phil 3:8).
Yes, it was still scary, but I went for it. I own less now than ever, trust God completely for my provision and joy, and my life has opened and enriched because of it.
If I could say anything to those old selves that I was so worried about, it would be this: “Lay down what you have, pick up what really matters, and experience true freedom. Do it now before you lose another precious moment.”
On the decluttering journey, I’ve learned a lot. By examining every single item in my life, and asking whether it was something to glorify God or to sacrifice to Him, I found three overarching themes that I want to explore in this series over the next few months:
The items I owned represented my identity. Out of pride, I used them to declare who I was because I did not understand my identity in Christ.
Objects from the past held the memories and energy of those experiences. I feared that without them I would lose who I had been and what I experienced.
Things equaled comfort and control. I felt prepared and soothed (briefly) by finding interesting or useful items and owning them. Without the ability to soothe myself by going to God as my comforter, I needed more things in order to maintain that feeling.
I hope you will join me on this path, ongoing and ever widening. It’s very personal to me, and not easy to talk about, but I believe it holds value. God’s light allows me to see myself more clearly — to recognize and repent of the areas where I still seek out the wrong comfort.
And even as I write this, I can think of at least one thing in my house that I need to re-emaxmine, being even more truthful with myself about its need and purpose.
Have you had a similar experience? Do you have any insights to share with us? Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear from you!
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Disclaimer: This is a blog, which contains a mixture of my current knowledge and opinions. The information is accurate to the best of my knowledge but may contain omission, errors, or mistakes. I am a psychologist licensed to practice in the state of Washington, but this article does not create a psychologist-client relationship. I am providing psychological information and my own opinions for informational purposes only, and anything I present should not be seen as psychological, emotional, or medical advice or treatment. You should consult with a mental health professional or your primary care physician before you rely on this information or take any action. I reserve the right to change how I manage or run my blog and may change the focus or content at any time.