How to Talk With Your Kids About Halloween — A Guide for Christian Parents
I was in the local thrift store last week with my 5 year old son. As we neared the end, my he saw giant posters of bloody zombies showing off deformed features and threatening faces. Below were the Halloween costumes with frightening masks, bloody weapons, and costumes.
My son noticed the posters right away. He was so disturbed that he asked to leave immediately. I tried to reassure him that he was safe, holding his hand and helping him focus on something else. “I have a tender heart,” he told me. “I can’t be here.”
Walking to the register, he asked me to lead him by the hand while he kept his eyes closed. I wanted so badly to shield him from seeing those terrible images and being afraid. Yet I also knew that I could not protect him from the world in the way I wanted.
No parent can keep the pain and ugliness of the world out of their child’s eyes and mind. But we can guide their hearts and teach them the ways of God, trusting them to His care and leading.
We can teach them to discern between the will of the world and the will of God, and to make the right but difficult choices that protect them. Honestly, even removed from Godly principles, as parents we still have the duty of guiding our children by recognizing what is and is not helpful for them — what benefits their growing minds and hearts, and what creates damage and roadblocks. In many ways you do not have to be a follower of Jesus to see these things plainly. But what you do need is the ability to keep an open, humble mind and ask the difficult questions that may lead you to giving something up for the sake of your child.
As we left the store, my son was filled with questions and fears. He wanted to know why it had happened, if all stores would display images like that, if they would always be up or would go away after Halloween, and if we could avoid that store from now on. But his largest question was around why people like gory images and think they are okay to show children: “Don’t they know children will be here?” These were excellent questions, and I was not going to ignore them or give a simple answer. Here was an opportunity to talk with my son about larger concepts in a way he could understand.
We talked about what Halloween means to him (candy, mostly) and how that changes in most people as they get older. Many adults and young adults see it as an excuse to scare each other, pretend to be or do things that are normally not accepted, and give themselves a pass to act in ways that are not helpful and can even hurt themselves or others. Often their hearts have changed and the truths that seemed so evident as children are now hidden away or cut off.
My son and I talked about what pleases and displeases God, including the things we look at and think about.
I asked what he understood, and we talked about why his heart for costumes and candy, and his desire to dress up and play with his cousins, was not wrong. At the end of the conversation, he said “I will be okay because you will keep me safe.” I was so glad to hear that he trusted me to help and protect him, but also understood that his trust in God as protector still needed to grow. We have talked many times after a nightmare about trusting God, but I recognize that my presence and comfort is that first step. My son trusts me as I trust God, and hopefully will see in my care of him that way that God cares for His children.
We can enjoy Halloween with our kids in the same way we enjoy any other activity, given that our hearts and minds are in the right place and no one is being harmed by our choices. However, the way we talk to them about Halloween costumes and traditions really does matter and can set them up for success. We can guide them in recognizing what is harmful or sinful, and how to understand the difference between their motivations and the desires of others.
Talking to our children about Halloween, especially from a Godly perspective, should have at least four key elements:
Recognizing what pleases God
Guarding hearts and minds (ours and others’)
Listening to our convictions
Trusting God
Before I talked with my son about Halloween I had already wrestled with a lot of larger questions the holiday brought up for me. I believe that is the reason I could give him consistent answers and make space for the fact that he just wants to have fun eating candy and being a hero. I understood how I could protect him in that child-like space without denying that as he gets older his perception of Halloween will change.
For most young kids like my son, Halloween means cute costumes and candy. However, even for him it is starting to mean fear of the neighboring houses, a lessening sense of safety, and being uncertain of what to do or what is allowed.
At 5 years old, my perceptive son is worried about certain elements of Halloween and understands that it means being vulnerable and scared. I admit that I have seen the ugliness of Halloween first hand, through a very brutal assault during what was supposed to be innocent fun. Yet because God has helped those areas to heal, I consider Halloween not through a lens of trauma but through an understanding that many things are not what they seem. As a Christian and a Psychologist, I do question the wisdom of purposefully exposing our hearts and minds to many aspects of Halloween with the direct intention of feeling scared and even terrorized. We seek out senseless images of horror and acts of brutality, human cruelty, and demonic possession. From haunted houses to horror movies to scary or provocative costumes, something compels many people to seek out the feelings of excitement, terror, and disgust they provide.
Even removed from a Godly perspective and seeing this tendency as both a human and a Psychologist, many questions arise. Psychologists, and most people in general, understand that to a great extent “you are what you eat.” We have no trouble recognizing that teens who consume certain media become depressed, develop eating disorders, change their behaviors and ways of dressing. They are influenced by what they bring into themselves. They invite the very thing that is killing them. I have a hard time seeing where the lines are different around Halloween and gruesome media in general. We will not get into a full exploration of that right now, but I think the parallels are clear enough. At some point there is a shift. The heart of the thing changes. And when the heart changes, the outcome changes.
While a deep dive into the bigger adult questions is worth covering on its own — something I plan to address in the future — for now I encourage you to give each element we discuss some serious thought and clarify your own answers before talking with your kids. We cannot talk with our children in a deep and honest way if we are not first willing to explore the questions ourselves.
In truth, a guide for talking with our children is first a guide for talking to ourselves. Once we have formed our own answer, we can talk with our children on a level they are ready for. There will probably not be a simple answer for most, so prepare yourself to wade through the nuances and hold the uncertainty — with prayerful reliance on God to give you wisdom.
Recognizing What Pleases God
Hopefully pleasing God is already part of our daily decision making, as a point of light in the fog of routine activity. It is our responsibility and honor, as followers of Christ, to please God before ourselves or others. We are called to lay down our own desires as well as the need to please man at the cost of following God (Matt 16:24-26 / Gal 1:10 / Prov 29:25). Jesus tells us in Matthew 22:27-40 that the greatest commandment, under which all other things are subsumed, is to love God with all of our heart, soul, and mind and next to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. We also read in Micah 6:6 that the Lord requires justice, mercy, and humility before Him. Meeting those requirements should be the litmus test for every thought and behavior.
Loving and pleasing God requires the use of our heart, soul, and mind. It also requires love for others. Justice and mercy stand out distinctly as actions that are about our treatment of others. God is very concerned with how we treat and impact those around us. Logically, if pleasing God requires all parts of us, and extends out from us to the treatment of all people, then we need to look at how Halloween impacts our heart, mind, soul, and neighbor.
We know that God has called us to be holy just as He is holy (Lev 11:44). Peter reminds us of this, adding that to be holy we cannot be conformed to the passions of our former ignorance — doing what used to feel good before we knew better (1 Pt 1:14-16). Paul encourages us to discard the “old man” which only grows corrupt through habits and desires that were driven by “deceitful lusts” and to instead be renewed in our mind and speak words of grace and edification instead of grieving the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:22-32).
Given these exhortations, to please God we must make choices that bring us closer to Him and help us to be more like Jesus. Would our version of Halloween be something that God finds holy and pure? Would our choices remind anyone of Jesus, or do they look just like the customs of the world? Can our actions be said to impart grace and edify ourselves or anyone else?
I think there is something key in the idea of “deceitful lusts.” We can probably name the lusts of the flesh that have a more apparent draw. Those can still be deceitful, such as when we watch a horror movie to satisfy a need for danger or the excitement of feeling fear. But there is also the lustful desires of the mind, mentioned by Paul in Ephesians 2:3. Perhaps this is curiosity about things that do not bring us closer to God, a morbid interest in something like murder experienced through true-crime or movies, or elevating our desire for knowledge over our desire for God. We may not realize we are feeding, and therefore strengthening, a strong desire in us. John tells us plainly: “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever” (1 Jn 2:15-17).
Talk to your children about what it means to please God — to love Him with our heart, soul, and mind, and to love our neighbors by putting them first. God calls us to be holy, which means everything we do is dedicated to God and should reflect that. What matters to us should be different from what matters to the world.
Questions for your kids:
Ask your kids one or all of the following questions to get the conversation started, then be open to talking about what you believe pleases God:
What words and actions do you think please God? What displeases Him? Why?
How do you think God feels about dressing up, having fun, and eating some candy? Do you think He is pleased or displeased?
Does it bother God that we get together and have fun?
Are we able to love God and our neighbor while enjoying Halloween? How can we show more loe for those around us during Halloween?
Are there parts of Halloween you know about that might not please God? Why? (Certain posters, stories, or movies they may know about, etc)
What could we do on Halloween that encourages us and our friends or neighbors? (It could be leaving a lot of lights on so kids are not scared, standing on the porch waving and welcoming people, giving a more thoughtful treat, dressing as fun characters that are not scary, etc.)
Guarding Hearts and Minds
If it is true that to some extent we are what we eat, then what we put inside of our hearts and minds, and ultimately our soul, matters. We are always feeding something — either the light within us or the darkness. Our choices are not neutral.
We are told to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:12), as well as to guard our hearts diligently because out of them flow the issues of life (Prov 4:23). We are also exhorted to meditate on things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy (Phil 4:7-9). Can I honestly say that my thoughts meet those criteria?
Protecting our hearts and minds means carefully examining the things we let in, knowing that they impact what we send out. A tree is known by its fruit, and out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Lk 6:43-45). If I was trying to nurture a tree and help it grow, would I ever allow contaminants into the nutrients I supplied? No matter how much I do not want to know the answer, I must honestly ask myself how my choices feed my heart and mind. Am I providing nutrients or poison? For that matter, how do the choices in my life impact my neighbors? Do they get nourishing waters or toxic runoff?
Halloween activities impact our hearts and minds as well as our neighbors’, and love requires that we think of them before ourselves — with a love that is not shown in vacant words but in true actions (1 John 3:16-19). Jesus sacrificed Himself for us so we in turn are called to lay down our lives for others. Yes, we have freedom in God, but never at the expense of glorifying Him or to the detriment of others. We are called to rejoice in God, showing gentleness to all (Phil 4:4-5) and using our actions to encourage and edify those around us (Rom 15:2 / 1 Thes 5:11). Jesus bought our freedom with a heavy price and out of love we lay that freedom right down again at his feet, that we might be servants to all men and bring them into the love of God (1 Cor 9:19-23).
In each thing I approve of — approval shown through consumption as well as complacent acceptance — am I showing love? If I approve of the things that show hate or violence toward others, can I believe at the same time that I am showing love for them? The scriptures tell us that “he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes” (1 Jn 2:11) and that any man who is angry in his heart with his brother is just as guilty as he who murders his brother (Mt 5: 21-22). If I watch hatred being portrayed or given any form of glamorization, can that hold love? Will it ultimately turn my heart toward or away from the things and people of God?
We can talk to our kids about the parameters for loving others — showing gentleness and mercy — as well as the kind of love that guards our hearts and minds, keeping them clean and strong. Then we can explore, on a practical level, how what we know can guide the kind of decorations, media, and costumes we pick out.
When we put out scary decorations, watch spooky Halloween movies, and dress up in bloody costumes, we know some people will not be impacted by them and I am sure we tell ourselves it is just for fun. But we have to know that others, those who are more vulnerable and especially young children, will be scared. They will not fully understand the line between reality and fiction. They may have nightmares and worry about going into stores, visiting neighbors, or turning on the TV.
Scary costumes may seem all in good fun, but do they show consideration for children or others with different life experiences, who may be impacted by those costumes? Do they represent holiness before God? Are the things we wear, watch, and decorate with the best way to love God and guard ourselves or others? If not, then how can we shift where our minds focus so that God stays in the front of our awareness at all times? What would it look like to enjoy Halloween with strong hearts and minds focused on what is lovely and edifying?
Questions for your kids:
Talk to your kids about the importance of guarding the hearts and minds of themselves and others. Then ask them:
Do scary decorations, movies, or costumes show love for children or others who may be scared? If not, is there a better way to protect their hearts and minds?
Can we — should we — choose not to do something we find fun for the sake of those around us? Not just those we know of, but those we understand might be hurt by our choices?
Would you want someone to scare or trick you? Especially if they knew you would be afraid? Would you feel loved and protected by them?
What does God think when we put others first and our own enjoyment last? Does it strengthen our heart? When does our heart weaken? (When putting self first)
Do our Halloween activities help us to be holy and to show love to others? If not, how can we do them differently?
Can we continue our normal Halloween activities, decorations, costumes, movie watching, etc and still be holy before God, putting others before ourselves?
Listening to Our Convictions
After we have examined Halloween through the lens of loving God and others, and guarding our hearts, we can make future decisions based on the conviction we feel about our actions before God. In James 4:17 we are told that “to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” Our convictions about Halloween cannot be based on anyone else’s opinions but on our honest reflection on the will of God and what we believe is right or wrong before Him. It is the heart of the things that matters. We can explain conviction to our kids as that internal voice, the conscience, telling us what is right and wrong.
I think it is important to ask ourselves in what way the many gory aspects of Halloween show kindness and tenderheartedness toward our neighbors. In what way do horror movies edify our spirits? How does talking about those horrors impart grace to the hearers? Do they model being angry without sin or emphasize that we are all members of one another?
If we ask these questions with a heart seeking God’s truth, then I believe we will find the answers. We may not like them, and they may be inconvenient, but at least we will know. Then we can pray for God’s guidance in changing our behaviors to match the conviction in our hearts.
This is not an area that should divide us, since not every follower of Jesus is currently being convicted in the same area. We grow as God leads us, and as we willingly respond. To our own master we will stand or fall, and God is able to make us stand (Rom 14:4).
Loving our neighbor is also seen in this step, because the Scripture calls us to respect and defer to the conscience of others even if we do not share their convictions. Our liberty should not become a stumbling block to those who have different convictions, weakening their conscience or harming our witness of God’s love. Paul tells us that purposefully wounding a weak conscience causes us to sin against that person, and thus against Christ, and that he will never do something that offends a brother, no matter what liberty he personally feels (1 Cor 8:9-13). This in so many ways seems like the ultimate show of strength and love. To have freedom and lay it down, preserving those we love through Christ.
Questions for your kids:
Drawing on our entire exploration above, we can ask these questions of ourselves and our kids:
How do you know when your conscience is telling you something is wrong? How does it feel?
Have you ever felt conviction, where you knew inside of you that the thing you were doing was wrong? What happened?
What does your conscience tell you about Halloween?
Are there parts of Halloween that you really like, and that your conscience tells you is okay? How do you know?
Is there anything about Halloween, like things we see, do, or the costumes we wear, that your conscience tells you is not right? How can we change them?
Do we know anyone who feels conviction about Halloween? If so, what can we do or change to show love for that person?
Trusting God
We’ve done a lot of exploring already, asking ourselves about how our actions please God, protect ourselves, and show love for others. We have probably come to some different answers and that is okay as long as we listen to our convictions and obey the Word of God above all else.
The last step is to lay everything before God and trust Him with it (Ps 37:5). If we are truly doing our best to seek and please God, loving others and staying open to correction, then we are in a good place to be led into deeper truth (Prov 3:5-6). I am reminded of a classic Keith Green song that is light-hearted but holds a deep truth. The lyrics went something like this: “You just keep doin’ your best, and pray that it's blessed, Jesus takes care of the rest. He can do it. Let God take care of the rest. He’ll see you through it.”
Trusting God with the outcome is a crucial part of anything we do. As His children and servants, we are trusting His work of salvation and sanctification because we know that we are incapable of delivering ourselves. With our human weaknesses we cannot possibly foresee every outcome, make right choices every time, or show perfect love for others. But God is able to work everything for our good when we are submitted to Him (Rom 8:28).
This is an important point to share with our children, helping them understand the power and love of God. In the Bible we read how God is with us, his people, wherever we go and how He is our refuge (Josh 1:9 / Ps 62:8). We can trust in Him when we are afraid and remember that an Angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them (Ps 56:3 / Ps 34:7). Earlier we looked at keeping our hearts and minds focused on God and on things that are pure. In Psalm 26:3-4 we read “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, For in Yah, the Lord, is everlasting strength.”
When we keep our focus on God, the peace of God is with us. We can trust God with what is outside of our control (like seeing a scary poster) while we dedicate to Him all things in our control. He is our refuge and place of safety, and when we truly trust in Him then we can be certain that even when hard things happen to us, God sees us and cares for us (Ps 62:8 / Mt 6:26-27). Nothing happens outside of His will, and He is able to work everything for our good (Rom 8:28).
Our children can understand these ideas and with our help can apply them in scary or difficult situations. I have been sharing these ideas with my 5 year old for years, increasing the depth as he gets older and can understand more. And I continue to check in with him about what he understands and how I can help.
Start with the Scriptures. Take one of the verses above, or another that you and your child find, and memorize it with your child. Review it a few times each day until they can repeat it back to you. Discuss what the verse means so they are just memorizing words but actually internalizing Truth. Talk about what it means to trust God and be under His care — to trust that His angel encamps around them. Hard things may still happen but they do not need to worry about whether God is there for them. What they need to do is pray to God, give their worries to Him, and focus on His truth (for kids this may also mean redirecting their attention to something calm or joyful). This is the simple but powerful formula that we can learn and repeat for ourselves and with our children (I go into more depth on this prayer sequence here).
Help your kids put this into practice each time they are worried or scared. Model it for them in the difficult things you face. Help them understand that it takes more than one try because what we are learning to do is let go of fear and turn to God. We may have to do it many times, but we will find strength and help each time we do. We will also find that it gets easier as we go.
Encourage your kids not to give up! Show God’s love through your own comfort and encouragement. Give hugs and kisses, wipe tears, and be a safe place for them to calm down. Remember that their trust in you is the stepping stone to their trust in God. He is the God of all comfort, and you are His hands and feet in their world (2 Cor 1:2-4).
Questions for your kids:
Explore these ideas with your kids. Ask them:
What parts of Halloween make you feel worried or afraid? What can we do to help?
Can we trust God when we are afraid? How do we know? (Review the scriptures above)
How can I help you feel safe during Halloween?
Will you tell me if you are overwhelmed and need a break?
What do we know about how God loves and cares for us? Is that true even when something is scary?
Many situations in our Christian lives will present questions and uncertainties. We have choices to make that are not always easy or clear-cut — especially as God continues to work in us through His refining fire, challenging our old ways and calling us higher to be more like Jesus. Thankfully, the work we did here can be applied to those other areas. We can ask similar questions of ourselves and our children, sharpening our ability to navigate them in the will of God.
Be encouraged. God is with you. Submit your choices to Him and He will guide you (Prov 16:3). Enjoy your Halloween in the love of God and with compassion for the needs of others. May the God of peace be with you and your children.
Disclaimer: This is a blog, which contains a mixture of my current knowledge and opinions. The information is accurate to the best of my knowledge but may contain omission, errors, or mistakes. I am a psychologist licensed to practice in the state of Washington, but this article does not create a psychologist-client relationship. I am providing psychological information and my own opinions for informational purposes only, and anything I present should not be seen as psychological, emotional, or medical advice or treatment. You should consult with a mental health professional or your primary care physician before you rely on this information or take any action. I reserve the right to change how I manage or run my blog and may change the focus or content at any time.